In September 2018 I started my research project at the Master of contemporary circus practices at DOCH, Stockholm. Much has happened since then. 2018 turned into 2021. The school changed its name to SKH. The world turned into a pandemic battle zone. I turned into a mother of two. Little things, big things. Life.The following is a compilation of material from the last 2½ years. It is made like this to provide insight into an unusual process. A research project where the obstacles during the process ended up being the theme of the project.It is structured as followed:Old text material is kept in its original shape, even when it is painful (!) for me to go back and read it. I have shortened some sections and deleted irrelevant parts even though I know that what seems irrelevant today can become relevant tomorrow. Repetitions will likely occur, some on purpose, others not.Old texts taken from school reports are in blue like this. Blue, for me the color of balance. When I balance on my hands, I see myself in and surrounded by blue shades when I maintain balance and in white when I fall.Extracts from a diary written during this writing process are in red like this. Blood red. Written during a lockdown where I felt quite melodramatic hence the color.A script I wrote to my classmates is in green, the color of... hope? Definitely of new life.New reflections are added, some to explain the research further, others to engage in a critical dialogue with my voice of the past. All new thoughts are in black like this. These texts are the narrator of the story, the guide of the exhibition, the detective of the disappeared meaning, the curator of the mess